The Eskay Cycling Herald: Prof Tim Noakes and Carbohydrate

Cape Town – Celebrity Professor Tim Noakes has been sued by the food group Carbohydrate after years of “character assassination” and “ungrounded defamation”. A recent study published by Stellenbosch University in the PLOS ONE journal acquitted Carbohydrate of any wrongdoing and further went on to add that “…this study shows that when the amount of energy consumed by people following the low carbohydrate and balanced diets was similar, there was no difference in weight loss”.

Speaking from an undisclosed location, Carbohydrate has made it public that “years of abuse and neglect caused by Tim Noakes” has left the food group scarred. “We've been around for years. We were once the sweetheart of the Prof (Tim Noakes). In his first big book The Lore of Running, he advocated mass intake of Carbohydrates before endurance events. And then the fallout happened…”

It is believed the rift between Carbohydrate and Prof Noakes started when he failed to get his gold medal at the world famous Comrades marathon. “He trained for months for that race. That’s when we were tight”, says Carbohydrate. “He would chuckle about how he loved three sugars in his coffee; how he so enjoyed that peanut butter white bread sarmie (sandwich) before a race; and how a lekker (nice) potato would fuel him up on a run.” But during the Comrades marathon Prof Noakes cramped at the 80km mark and had to shuffle home and settle for 112th position. “He came home after that and he was mad, hey. He opened the breadbox and threw out all the loaves. He kicked the sack of potatoes in the vegetable rack until they spilled out all over the floor. He threw the Liquorice Allsorts onto the ground and stomped them into the carpet”, recalls Carbohydrate. “He was furious and he blamed us for letting him down. After that, everything changed”. Prof Noakes has since embarked on a no-carbohydrate campaign, slating the food group and advocating high intakes of fats and proteins instead. Carbohydrate was appalled at the public’s receptivity and naivety to the notion. “We couldn’t believe it. One moment we're flying off the shelves, fuelling the efforts of sportsman. The next thing our sell by dates are catching us and we're being discarded like yesterday’s newspaper! And how the public couldn't see they were being duped is beyond us. Since when does eating FAT make you THIN?” says a visibly upset Carbohydrate.

Carbohydrate has opened a case at the Claremont Police Station in Cape Town, accusing Prof Noakes of character assassination and defamation of character. “All we want is our rightful place back in the diet. Years of study and evidence prove that we provide the energy people need to perform (at sports). Of course if you ingest too much of us you'll get fat. But I guarantee you – if you eat 3kg of bacon every day you'll also get fat” says Carbohydrate. "We've been out in the cold for years now because of what he's said about us. We just want to get back into tummies and fuel people right", says Carbohydrate.

Carbohydrate also laid further accusations at Prof Noakes’ feet. “I have a close friend who works on the pizza base sub-group of the Carbohydrate food group. He says Tim Noakes orders pizzas “at least three times a week”- and thick-based ones at that!”. Carbohydrate says he has proof that Prof Noakes would enjoy a pizza-eating session at least 3 times a week:

In the photo is a calm Prof Noakes at his desk in 2012, just as the banting fad hit record heights. Noakes’ book The Real Meal Revolution had sold over 220,000 copies by March 2013. “How about that? He sells millions of copies of books talking about how good we are – and then he doubles his money with a book about how bad we are”, laments Carbohydrate. The pizza in question says that she and Prof Noakes made an order-in arrangement "at least three times a week". "He would add salt, pepper, Tabasco Sauce, and lots of avocado as extra toppings. We would use Mr Delivery to get me into his apartment. He would eat at least 2 large pizzas per sitting", confirms the Pizza.

Please note that this entry is a complete spoof and fabrication. To the best of my knowledge a food group is unable to make any form of legal representation; Prof Tim Noakes diet is highly controversial; the PLOS ONE Journal does exist and the Stellenbosch paper refuting Prof Noakes' diet also exists. (http://www.iol.co.za/capetimes/noakes-s-low-carb-diet-not-healthier-1.1717305#.U7_ZOfmSzsE) I also have no idea how the Prof's book sales are doing; I also don't know how ambitious the Prof was when it came to running or if he ever even tried for a gold medal at the Comrades! I'm almost certain he never laid the blame for anything at the foot of carbohydrate!
Also - Tabasco Sauce referred to here is the actual product that is loved and adored by millions (including me) and its association with pizza does not in any way intend for the sauce to be associated with bad diets: but merely associated with good food!!