HTFU or be PC?

I have a friend (well, acquaintance really) known only as Angry Jack*. Over coffee the other morning he was mouthing off about categories in cycling and had a few choice words to say about it. Although not verbatim, I believe I captured the spirit of his tirade. This entry may not sit well with sensitive viewers. I guess you'll need to build a bridge and get over it.

* = not his real name. But he is angry...and he would hurt me if I revealed his true identity, So Angry Jack it is...

Get Your Kak Together and Toughen Up! - by Angry Jack

Handicaps. Equality. Parity. The human condition to make things even. The way we sanitise raw competition and allow everyone a chance to compete in a fair environment. BALLS! Consider the following categories that we already have in cycling:

Sex: This is fair...or is it? They say that men are stronger than women - generally speaking. Well, I have a friend that was beaten by at least a thousand women on the Argus. ONE THOUSAND....And he's a strong man. They put hours into him. So balls to that - if women want equality, then burn those bra's baby and get cycling! Why should we have a pretty little pink podium for the bokkies? All they do is tuck in behind the men anyway - so hardly much riding going on there. Rather take their prize money and buy free beer for everyone at the end of the ride...at least we all get a share of the spoils AND eradicate sexism! Win-win, buddy!

Professional vs Amateur: So some people ride their bikes all the time. Naturally they'll be professional. If I rode my bike all the time I'd also be a pro...but now the amateurs are like "boo-hoo - I chose to get a job in a grey suit and I can't ride my bike so its not fair that I race against a pro rider..." Cry me a river, working class hero. So you're at a shallow section of the gene pool when it comes to riding physiology? You have your strengths elsewhere - its not like you're going to give a professional cyclist a degree because he's a bit slow with numbers...so get over it and ride.

Age: So the grandpa's want their own podium? Sir, with all due respect - but you had your chance thirty years ago. If you're mid-fifties and you're aiming to come first in your category...no-one actually cares. Seriously. Get onto the main podium with all the other riders or get your zimmerframe out. On the bowling green..

At 102 this cyclist would definitely win the 100-plus category at any race....as the only competitor in that category he just needs to pitch up!

And those kids thrashing it out in their early-twenties wanting their own category - grow up! I had completed my basic military training; earned my first pay cheque; and was living on my own by the time I turned 18. The spoilt brats of today get the best cycling equipment for doing very little. Show an ounce of potential and they just get shit given to them. Seriously now - can someone start working for a living?

OK - so we've sliced the categories into 3 areas already. Lets do more:

Geography: So South Africa struggles to put people onto Epic podiums. No problem - lets make an ALL AFRICAN category. Where is the South American group? And the Aussies? Why not a European category? Typical Africa - too kak sleg to compete on the larger scale that they make their own competition. Its like the Yanks and their "World Series Basketball". Grow a pair and go for the yellow jersey, dammit!

Now I see that, on a recreational side, you can register to become a Buffalo rider. I'm stoked because I can now compete with fat people on a bicycle. If you're 90kg plus then you get your own category. Funny that - a mate of mine told me the other day that we should have a 100kg plus category as well. This is not boxing, FFS!
I thought the whole point of people taking up cycling was to lose weight. If you recognise all the fat dudes and reward them for their greedy ways, then we have literally taken a small, fat step backwards! And dont give me that crap about obesity being a medical problem. As my one good Jewish friend said: how many fat guys did you see in the concentration camps? Correct - zero. Because they were given no food! And they got bone thin because of that fact. Medical problem...really? Stay out the fridge, fatso. Don't steal food off your kids plate. Eating a salad with a 1kg steak and a tub of ice cream is slightly counter-productive. (And Tim Noakes screwed us all over on diet folks!)

I don't need to comment here - except that we should not reward his lifestyle choices with a FAT category.

Now that we're shattering the categories so that everyone has a chance to win, lets throw in some more:

Bike type: If we're getting technical, then surely we should allow handicaps on the technology available to you. I just beat a guy at the Attakwas who was riding a single speed. In my opinion that guy won.... no gears on that course means huge respect! I say he is the real winner here. So gears vs no gears is another section...

Dual Suspension vs Hardtail: Well there must be some formula that allows us to calculate the benefits of the one type over the other - dependent on course (of course).

Carbon vs Aluminium: Those carbon bits should have a riding time tax imposed! just because I don't earn the same amount as a small African country's GDP should not mean that I don't get a fair chance at riding for a category podium. The lighter the bike; the bigger time penalty! Get to the back of the queue, weenies!!

Working For a Living or Not: Oh the bliss to beat that guy who doesn't have to work because his wife brings all the cash home. Or the trust fund kicked in. You spoilt ass. You can spend your 5 hours a day training and chatting up all the school moms, but this category means that your training is all for nothing! Thats right - go get a job...serve your country or something man. The workers will unite and get BIG minutes as handicap for paying taxes and supporting the family.

Kids or Not: No kids means no extra mural activities. That means more free time - to ride. For every child you have, you get time credits on your race time. Keep breeding if you want the podium baby! (Zuma would have about a 3-hour handicap on the Argus...)

Type of Partner: So does your partner let you ride or not? Some guys can train for 10 hours a weekend and their partners accept it. Off they go riding - and then they still have time for 3 beers at the pub before they eventually get home that afternoon.
Other guys need to strategically plan and take 50 deep breathes to spring the request on their spouse if its okay that they leave at six and be back by eight because Timmy and John are all riding and I was hoping that I could also go because they're great guys and we'll be as quick as possible but if you say no then thats OK but I'd really like to and I've unpacked the dishwasher and I'll wash the car when I get back because its only 2 hours and I need to train a bit but if you say no its OK but it would be cool if I could go...if its OK with you... So - do you have a Dragon or a Don't Care? Either way, it needs to be factored in....

Looks like its been happening for some time....

So the way we're going on this I could compete in the

40-45yrs;
Carbon;
Geared;
Hardtail;
Married;
2 kids;
All Africa;
Buffalo;
Male;
Working;
White;
Amateur;
Cooperative Spouse...

Category.

I could be in with a shout....!

HTFU:

Headspace: And here is where it all happens. You can look at all of these physical, tangible categories and slap however many titles and classifications onto yourself until you are unique; one of a kind. And then you're bound to win your category. But then you might as well slap "Loser" onto your forehead as well. Because despite the various loopholes and silos you wish to create, the real difference is in the head. The concious decision to get up early in the mornings and ride. The discipline to eat properly. The hunger to improve your times. The enjoyment you get from cycling. These are the non-tangible elements of the rider that make the real difference.
Get over your excuses.
That's the first step. Everything else is just noise.