Thus ends the festive season break for the Summer of 2013 (to my hordes of international Northern hemisphere followers, remember that we have Summer when you have Winter - thats just for the Yanks who read this. They think Cape Town is an island near Canada...)
This Summer we managed to ride a lot - although it must be said that the wind blew like crazy here in Cape Town. But that was often soon forgotten when braaiing around the pool with friends later that evening. Its here at these social occasions that we meet new people who are friends of friends. As you know, the conversation inevitably turns towards cycling when you have more than two cyclists in any given group. Thats because cyclists are a community. A competitive one - but a group that shares a common interest nonetheless. And we love letting non-cyclists know that we cycle. Admit it. No matter how subtle your inferences, it feels good to let people know that you ride a bike. So much so that we want to convince everyone we meet to start cycling.
"Oh you run? Shame - how are those knees holding up? You should cycle...".
"Look - in all honesty, if you want to lose weight - just start cycling."
"Yes - I know the roads aren't that safe but if you ride in a group you'll be fine."
"...and its fun for the whole family you know..."
"Look - its all about the budget you've got. If you want a bike for R5k - no problem. And you can always upgrade later...you can just pass that bike onto your son/wife/brother..."
Why do we have this incessant need to convert everyone to drop whatever sport they do and ride a bicycle?
Once the bug has bitten we are worse than zombies, vampires, and Jehovahs Witnesses when it comes to spreading our new behaviour.
Theres a reason why cycling is such a fast growing sport - its because everyone who cycles is a disciple to this new religion and we are very passionate in our convincing techniques and arguments. Imagine if the Bird Watching community was as large, obsessed, passionate and vocal about their pastime? At every braai there would be talk of binoculars; birds; boots; beaks; bird books; and bloody black billed bulbul's! But no - throw two cyclists into a group of ten other people and its down the rabbit hole of SRAM vs Shimano; Wines2Whales vs Sani; and how expensive the Epic is versus some European stage race.
We're obsessed - and that's fine, but please stop trying to convert everyone to ALSO take up cycling. And then there's the discussion (rationalising?) about how its OK to drop R40,000 on a bike. Its expensive - no matter how much reasoning you put behind it.
But we counteract this with the Many Benefits of Cycling:
It'll make you fit.
You'll lose weight.
Its a family-orientated sport.
You'll love it.
You make great friends.
You see parts of the country you'd never normally have access to.
Theres no impact on your joints.
Oh - and you MUST join our group.
I say enough of this codswaddle.
Its time to start saying NO.
Its time to stop spreading the Cycle Gospel.
Before its too late.
You already ride - so why the obsessive need to bring every non-cyclist into this subculture? Because we are also the first to moan about the side effects of this growing two-wheeled army. And the list of negative effects is ever-growing:
Congested cycle tracks.
Inaccessible races.
Massive R&D budgets by big bike brands that result in new technology and products that we must buy every 2 months.
Motorist vs Cyclist wars.
Spiralling costs of the sport.
Fragmentation of the sport into countless codes (downhill; cross country; road; cyclocross; triathlon; single-speed; hybrid; electric; trail; track; marathon; BMX; reclining; tandem...etc)
Promoting a single parenting model...leading to teenage delinquency... and ultimately anarchy in the State due to the lack of stable parenting at home (its all linked!)
Increased carbon footprint through cyclists travelling to various races all over the world.
Divorce.
Increased road rage by non cyclist vehicle drivers... caused by cyclists riding abreast - who then bring that stress into the workplace... with the possibility of completely losing it at the morning coffee chat...resulting in you getting beaten for no reason other than the fact that you cycle (it can happen).
Death of cyclists as they chase meaningless testosterone-induced Strava segments through red traffic lights.
Death of pedestrians by cyclists who collide with them whilst chasing meaningless testosterone-induced challenges on Strava.
Promotion of unemployment for the youth as funds that should be ringfenced for tertiary education are blown on bicycles that cost the equivalent of a small house.
With every breath you take during your conversion speech to the potential new cyclist, you're robbing a young child of their tertiary education.
Your next Sunday road ride could look like this if you don't stop spreading the Cycle Gospel
So - how do we stop this slide into chaos; deprivation; anarchy; and ultimately death? Here are a few ways to STOP SPREADING THE CYCLE GOSPEL:
Cyclists are also very often poor listeners. Next time someone tells you they run - Listen to OTHERSfor a change. Ask them how their races are going. Who do they run with? What are the best shoes? Ask them anything - but please just refrain from hauling out the Gospel of Saint Fiets and condemning their sport with 12 Good Reasons Why They Should Start Cycling.
Get the family to implement a R10 Cycle Fine Jar. Every time you open your mouth about anything cycling related - its ten Randelas into the pot.
If you're caught online talking nonsense on the Hub or browsing for parts you certainly don't need - open the wallet and pay up. (Whatsapp group participation is also penalisable....)
You get R20 back from the jar every time someone asks you if you cycle and you say no. In public. With other cycling mates present.
You keep tabs on all cash spent on cycling and agree with your partner that's the equivalent sum that will be spent on the annual family holiday.
Every time you wear a cycle race related item of clothing you are also agreeing to let your partner choose a DVD of their choice that you have to sit through with them.
Anyway look - I'm done trying to talk you out of this. Just shut up about cycling.
I must go - I've bought my wife a new Bianchi 650B and I can't wait to see her try it out. She isn't really that into it - but I reckon she's just right for this size bike. I know she'll LOVE it.
Besides, she likes the colour of the bike.
And all her friends have started cycling anyway.....
