There is SO much hype around this whole Nkandla residence of Number One. Enough now. We all knew that our government needed to cover up the arms deal corruption; the miraculous healing of Mr Schaik; the fact that they're servitude to the Gupta family; the Chinese invasion of the economy; the way we handle Mugabe...its no wonder we're passing laws to make that kind of news illegal.
Now I remember why I love to ride my bicycle - to get away from all of this nonsense! All this corruption carries on and it makes many of us South Africans sick to the stomach.
But maybe we can try and make something positive out of this recent Nkandla property development. Or try to anyway. Lets apply the "half full rather than half empty" concept:
Number One has built himself (can I say that? I mean, it was supposedly built without his knowledge - sorry!)...Public Works built him one very plush pad! They also threw in a big highway that leads you right to the majestic front gates to boot - just so that the 8 car BMW X5 blue light brigade get him there in land-speed breaking record time (although let's face it - he's going to use the chopper).
I say we convert Nkandla and surrounds into a cycling mecca! And why not? There is this newly planned road for amazing road racing - with no traffic on it other than weekend taxi's and horse drawn carts - and the odd blue light brigade (and we know how they [mis]treat cyclists - so we'll have to look out for that...perhaps make them the marshals. They will beat the crap out of you of you cross the middle line! And don't pull the bird at them if they tell you stay in your lane...that can end badly.)
As for local development, we can throw a ton of bicycles at the local Zulus (the Germans and British will be fully behind that! We'll have a group of 20 expats all over 55 years old with their pommie accents running various project offices everywhere charging ridiculous consulting fees to drop off a couple of bicycles - and then they'll blame the government when they miss their deadlines). We could transform Nkandla it into one massive "cycling development hub" (pun absolutely intended). There'll be bikes for Africa!
Personal transport is one of the key enablers to unlock an individual's economic potential - lets do it right there in Nkandla. The press will love it; the politicians will gobble it up (and they'll be cycling around Nkandla in their specially made cycling bibs for the launch); and the locals will have some amazing bikes to ride around on.
I do fear for the sustainability of the entire concept though. I predict that the local taxi federations will steal and burn the bikes because their commuters will be cycling instead of taxiing with them. And they won't be stopped because the taxi mafia actually fund the local ward councillors Johnny Black habit and promise votes - but at least we tried hey?
Its not all doom and gloom though. I think the crown jewel; the absolute whisker in the royal leopard print will be the 2-day Nkandla MTB Classic. And it gets hosted exclusively in the Nkandla grounds! With the complex network of tunnels and massive areas still not yet seen by the public, we could easily design a 187km course in there (at least). We'll go into the secret tunnels that link Nkandla with Zimbabwe; build amazing tracks to avoid colliding with the various wildlife roaming the estate (including canned lions all imported for the Chinese diplomats to hunt down on their Africa safaris); swerve between the herds of Number One's Nguni cattle (Number One still needs a sizeable herd for the extent of labola that he pays out for his ever-increasing harem) and navigate between the various recreational areas in between the jungles, beaches, and....(wait for it)...we'll end stage 1 on an epic volcano ascent (yes - he's got one!)
Unlike other MTB stage races, no tented village will be needed for the 500 teams. Simply grab a luxury bungalow that sleep 40 people. All rooms have en suite bathrooms; saunas; and kitchenettes.
Like Number One I also don't know why they built so many houses and in such luxury - but lets not let it go to waste (like the soccer stadiums).
Entries will be cheaper than the Epic (so lets call it a cool R45k for starters). All you need is your valid ANC membership card (available online for R22,000) to apply. Don't wait - entries are limited.
