Every now and again some of us are in the position where the normal cycling routine is broken due to the unavailability of a spouse to look after the offspring. This used to be a problem. But its not anymore!
Some context then: we were planning the Thursday morning ride via the Whatsapp chat group (an abusive yet informative channel, it must be said) when The CrackMan opted out. His excuse? "Single parenting. Need to do the school run. Enjoy". And that was that. No problem.
Eight of us turned up on that dark winters morning and had just cycled up Baby Head Alley. We continued the dark ascent when three headlights made their speedy way towards us. Imagine our surprise when the last rider slowed down, stopped, and greeted us. It was none other than The CrackMan himself! Hurt? Confused? Disappointed? Any number of emotions obviously filtered through the group.....
After a brief hello and goodbye, we realised that the CrackMan could've just said that we're too slow for him and opted to gang up with some other riders (a certain Epic John and Gavin Wood). But of greater importance, rather than that of our own social standing with The CrackMan, was the question of his offspring. Where were they? Who was looking after? Was Timmy's Russian tenant moonlighting as a babysitter from her regular Teazers job? Were they waiting in the bakkie....at 5am...in the CBD? There were simply so many unanswered questions. So we opted to create a few scenarios as to how this situation came about and how The CrackMan managed to pull this off:
The CrackMan's Top Tips on how to convert some baby sitting time into some riding time:
1. Up the Ponstan dosage - at 4am.
2. Trip the burglar alarm when you leave; and then offer the security call-out R100 to look after the kids while you're out
3. SMS the Malawian garden boy the night before and ask that he come around a bit earlier. Like at 5am.
4. Wake the kids early and tell them in a rushed and excited voice that this is their lucky day - National Hide and Seek champs! (Be back by 8am)
5. Put the mattresses and the kids in the back of the bakkie. Drive into the CBD where the rest of your cycling mates are. Revert to point 1.
6. Put the mattresses into the TV room the night before. Before you leave in the morning, turn on the TV and leave it on the DSTV kids channels. They won't even notice your absence.
7. Record yourself the night before making moaning and groaning sounds, with the odd fart thrown in. Place on the docking station; leave it playing in the small toilet behind a locked bathroom door - your kids might approach the door every now and again and ask if you're OK - but they will be convinced you're home and get on with getting ready for school. (Optional to leave a bag of dog poo in the bathroom as well...)
8. Leave the house quietly and lock everything with no keys in sight. Seriously, what could go wrong? (Leave the strawberry pops and milk out)
9. The next time a call-centre operator wants to sell you something, get them to show you their persistence by agreeing to a meeting. At your house. At 5am..... (Leave the coffee out and the TV on)
10. When you hear about your spouses movements, convince her/him that the kids really need to spend some quality time with her parents. The kids love them. They love the kids. Book the tickets that day. Arrange 5 days of cycling with your mates.....
The CrackMan shares some secret tips
Now - how did CrackMan arrange the secret ride? Simple:
Not that we felt like outcasts - but the message was clear....
