We accept that our cycling group is constituted of a diverse group of individuals.
Rugby teams are designed so that any physical shape can find a place on the park. The small, fast buggers are out at wing. The large, heavy steamrollers find a single number on their backs and they do the hard combat up front. It works.
So what would a Smooth Knobblies 1st XV look like? Here is one take on the subject:
Up front would be the lethal combination of Dots, 2Tone, and Wynand. This is a clever move by the coach as the two props are about a metre taller than other props out there. Dots & Dubya, as they became known, were notorious for mauling their opposition by standing up during the scrum. This move was called "The Crane" and the shorter opposition front row was flipped over backwards. The Crane was ruled illegal in 2009 after the Smooth Knobblies ran out 14-12 winners over a touring France XV - who led an emotive protest to the IRB after the defeat.
Dangling 2Tone between Dots & Dubya before packing down is much like suspending a rabid pitbull into a coop full of baby chickens. Its just gnashing of teeth, saliva, giggling, and swearing. As a hooker, 2Tone displays the characteristic aggression required to perform well down in the engine room. Who can forget the friendly match between The Smooth Knobblies and the touring Namibian team back in 2003? It was after 2Tone had head-butted the third reserve hooker that he too was sent off. Some interesting facts from that game were that the citing panel still has no idea what a FBSW is; or that Dubya offered the bleeding Namibian hooker a space blanket from his medical kit that he always played with; and that the Smooth Knobblies ran out 32 - 11 winners.
But every front row needs strong and powerful locks. Notorious for leaving his kit scattered throughout the change room, Big Timmy had a calming influence on the rampant front row. Timmy rose to a degree of fame after breaking the frame of the scrumming machine at the Free State stadium - twice! (Luckily it was still under warranty!) But perhaps Timmy was in the news for the wrong reasons after the Smooth Knobblies went to Thailand on tour in 2010. After the 3 match tour (all won by the Smooth Knobblies) a scandal broke about a mass orgy held in a local hotel room where the team was staying. 11 Thai prostitutes all declared pregnancy after the tour.
Timmy still swears that he was not involved (in the orgy) but admits that he did sneeze near a group of ladies in the bar... 2Tone and The Oracle are still silent about the other orgy accusations.
As far as loose forwards go, Rens has been well known for hurting the opposition. But more with his sarcastic comments than through pure brute strength. It was the match between the Smooth Knobblies and Northern Free State in 2005 when Rens asked the eighth man, a mullet-sporting tow truck driver from Vlakte Heuwels, when was he "going to get his haircut finished". The entire Smooth Knobblie forward pack laughed so much that a try was leaked in the narrow 11-8 victory for the Smooth Knobblies. The NFS eighth man in question was none other than Flippie Wentzel who, to this day, still sports a brave mullet and still doesn't get the wise crack.
Originally a menace on the park at False Bay Rugby Club for many years, Rocky Koen made the No 7 jersey his own with some gritty displays against bigger opposition. Who can forget when Richard Hill left the field because Rocky entered a ruck dangerously close to offsides - with enough venom to bruise his shoulder and crack Richard's pelvis in the process.
Also fingered as one of the key instigators in the Battle of Thailand (a bar brawl that we won't discuss in any greater detail here), Rocky represented the Smooth Knobblies in some major contests. Along with Epic John and The CrackMan, Rocky has been selected to play in the Amabubesi XV with other highly decorated players. Rocky's finest moment came back in 2008 when he attempted a drop goal at 45m out. The low-flying kick arced like a boomerang and hit the face of Stirling Mortlock - only to rebound and be recollected by Rocky. With a shuddering side-step, Rocky offloaded to Dots who bolted the final 15m to the line and scored what must be one of the Smooth Knobblies finest tries and a resounding 27-24 victory over an Australian A side.
No 8 was the spot of Gav. Notorious for missing practises - even after the alarm clock had been going for ages, SifGav always pitched up at the team meals. Gav was always known for his big hits, especially on opposition flyhalves. But it was his ability to confuse the opposition with his creative lineout calls and face pulling gestures that made him a hit on Twitter. This picture was taken moments before he side stepped Clyde Rathbone in a friendly match against the Brumbies in 2007. "One minute he's looking at me like Jack Nicholson in the Shining - and then he's dead pan and running around me", Rathbone said after the game. The Brumbies lost 18-11.
Gav was also linked to the Tour to Thailand scandal. Gav reckons that, after the 6th bottle of wine with Twakkie "anything could've happened". No paternity cases have been filed.
Calm, witty, fast. Words often used to describe Epic John, the enduring scrumhalf who never missed one match for the Smooth Knobblies XV. Charged with the vice-captaincy of the team, Epic John was often hard pressed to keep the likes of 2Tone and Rens from shouting aggressive comments to the opposition. Epic John also headed up the disciplinary committee. When the Thailand Tour orgy scandal broke, it was Epic John who spoke to the local media. His analogy of a tiger walking with a chicken is still not clearly understood by Western journalists, but it sat well with the locals. It is believed that Epic John was later spotted at a local Thai Media Bar, encouraging some rugby writers to enjoy a keg of the famous Elephants Trunk Breweries finest.
The hub of the Smooth Knobblies big match temperament rested on the shoulders of CrackMan; the flyhalf. Being able to slot the ball from anywhere on the field, the CrackMan was well known for his hard-hitting tackles on the opposition. And on his own players (if he felt they weren't performing).
CrackMan was able to hide any emotion on (and off) the field. This was clear when he missed what would've been a match winning kick against a battle-hardened New Zealand Maori XV in 2006. Big Timmy had mauled through the ruck to score in a muddy corner of the park in the 79th minute. As the last play of the game, with the scores locked at 12-all, the CrackMan hooked the conversion to the left and a famous victory slipped from the Smooth Knobblies. At the post match interview the CrackMan was asked by an emotional journalist if he would have sleepless nights and replay what would've been a historic kick. And did he feel, the journalist asked, if he had let the team, and possibly the country, down by missing that kick?
The CrackMan just stared at the journalist and just replied "no".
Slotting in at inside centre is The Moose. A deft side step and potent hand off made him one of the most feared and technically-competent centres in the game. But his modesty allowed the spotlight to fall on other players in the team (like Rens and 2Tone). Who can forget the time Redken and Wella went to court to fight for the right to approach The Moose in an effort to have their hair product range used by a rough-and-tough rugby player? The Moose watched in amusement as the offers from each hair-product company became more and more ludicrous. Eventually The Moose turned both companies down and issued a statement to Sport24 saying that he used Johnsons Baby Shampoo and sunlight soap as his hair products of choice. A marketing executive in Wella reportedly quit over this and still manages a caravan park outside Melkbostrand.
Although only sporting 11 caps for the Smooth Knobblies, The Oracle was well known for his organisational skills when the team first got together. He took on the role of captain and was instrumental in arranging the first match ever played by The Smooth Knobblies back in 2001. The Smooth Knobblies ran out 27-0 winners over The Bishops Old Boys team. The Oracle had a brilliant game and scored a try under the poles that night - although missed 8 tackles. His now famous quote "tackling is for the neanderthals" caused some controversy with the rest of the team but the team-building exercise on the infamous Tour to Thailand smoothed things over.
The Oracle is trying to get another rugby team set up in Hout Bay - and the Smooth Knobblies have indicated that they would happily take to the field in a match if the occasion arose. Just saying....
Wazza was descibed by Fijian winger Palalamotaoua Fungalanananatamhaka as elusive after Wazza managed to miss his bone crunching tackle by twisting his body and almost disappearing from sight. His speed, endurance, and slight build made Wazza the perfect weapon on the outside. In a non-conventional move, Wazza was sometimes used in the lineout. Big Timmy would put Wazza on his shoulders and add an extra 1.5 metres to the lineout option. When the Smooth Knobblies ran out 34-29 victors over the Blue Bulls team in 2003, a young Victor Matfield complained to the referee that "the winger was on the locks shoulders". Because no rule existed to disallow this, the referee famously retorted "yes - it was like your opposite number had wings on his shoulders as he flew so high above you". Wazza scored 22 tries for the Smooth Knobblies in 25 outings, with a hat-trick against The British & Irish Lions.
Possibly one of the classiest players to ever don the Smooth Knobblies jersey was number 14 winger Twakkie. As a former rugby league professional from Pretoria, Twakkie slotted into the team with purpose and aggression. Normally well natured and now a calm family man, the game against Samoa in Stellenbosch turned ugly when Twakkie provoked the Samoan prop by slapping him on the back of the head and called him a Chop! Luckily Moose and Rens were close by and diffused the situation. At the internal hearing that followed, Epic John again emphasised the fact that Big Timmy should be communicating with Samoan props - and not little Twakkie.
Twakkie was perhaps not the fastest wing, but his ability to read the situation was unrivaled. How can anyone forget his try against Ireland B when their flyhalf, Johnny Sexton, kicked the ball for touch. Twakkie caught the ball on the touchline. Instead of running off, he calmly walked towards where the kicker was, pointing as if to show that the kick was direct. In a state of confusion, the Irish pack also slowed and turned. Still walking, Twakkie walked through the forwards, towards the lineout mark. Even the line judges weren't sure and, just before the referee went upstairs to check, Twakkie broke into a sprint and scored under the poles. The 24-17 scoreline to the Smooth Knobblies flattered the Irish.
Although bringing a fair bit of experience to the team, Shaun Payne was not a shoo-in for the fullback berth. The Smooth Knobblies had a wealth of depth and, through an injury to Chris Harper, Shaun made his debut for The Smooth Knobblies against Palamatizzimo, a touring Italian side. He scored on debut - but with the Smooth Knobblies running out 54-3 winners, not many of the team didn't score!
Shaun was famous for tearing his jerseys, breaking his boots, and constantly needing his rugby kit replaced or repaired. Epic John, as vice captain, was constantly asking Shaun to just play responsibly. Shaun managed to puncture 2 balls in the match against Namibia! No-one is sure how that happened - although Shaun swears 2Tone bit the one ball in a loose ruck.
In this photo, Brian O Driscoll is trying to hump Shaun's leg. Dots & Dubya took offence to this and, although not well documented, Brian was stretchered off the field a few minutes later.
The Smooth Knobblies have a famous rugby tradition and are decorated within rugby circles. The team also like to ride bikes together and can be spotted chirping and chatting around Cape Town on most mornings.
