MORE helpful hints!!

There’s nothing more that a cyclist likes to do: give advice. Coupled to that is the appetite that other cyclists have for listening. Lately I have been somewhat concerned by the level of advice that is published in bicycling magazines. I love buying bike magazines – even if I need to endure those repetitive headlines of “ride your best Argus yet”, “get leaner; get faster!”, “Doping in cycling – is there a future?”, and “check out the latest gear for 2013!” I'm a sucker and a cycling enthusiast so I subscribe to and enjoy reading the various cycling publications out there.

In the Bicycling magazine there is a small column that allows cyclists to share handy hints with each other. The latest Bicycling magazine had this as one of the “Rider 2 Rider” hints:

Put ice cubes into your bottle before you go out riding. Presto – you’ll have cold water in your bottle!

Now seriously – when did the IQ level of the average cyclist drop to that of an amoeba? (that’s an open-ended question and should not be answered!) That is not a wise hint. Its common sense. And if I read about putting the rubber of a road cycling tube around a CO2 bomb to reduce the freeze one more time, I may puke. But in saying that, perhaps there is a need to state the obvious. Maybe we do need to revisit the absolute basics and share some of that vital wisdom that only those who have been riding for years know about.

You would think we are devolving with some of the rider advice out there....

So here is a list of the Absolute Bloody Basics:

Don’t forget to wash your mountainbike after a muddy ride with a hosepipe – it washes all the mud off.
Don’t want your bike stolen off your car? Lock it using a lock from any good cycle shop!
Want to stop that painful lower back pain? Go and get your bike set-up.
Running out of water on the long rides? Put on a second bottle cage and carry 2 bottles!
Still running out of water on the long rides (despite 2 water bottles?) Wear a Camelbak – and it’s handy to put some spares in there too!
Still running out of water (despite 2 water bottles and a Camelbak?) – You are probably riding when it’s too hot – with too much fat on your body – into a headwind – so probably best to get off your bike and take a break whilst you find some spare water at a café en route! Or just HTFU a bit.
Chafing in between your legs still a problem? Use chamois cream or baby nappy rash cream!
Still chafing in between your legs (despite the creams?) – Possibly too much body fat; unfitness; and not enough time in the saddle. Maybe a little HTFU could fix that. Drop 10kg as a start….
Bonking on long, fast rides? Try and eat something. A banana is always handy AND it comes in natural wrapping that you can throw away (except when you stop at the entrance to Cape Point and there’s a troop of baboons all around…don’t throw the peel then! They like to come for the inside bit as well. Not that its ever happened to me…..Just saying.)
Still bonking on long, fast rides, despite eating the banana and sucking cold juice from your two bottles? Maybe some more time in the saddle and an extra dose of HTFU could cure that….or you could just quit cycling. Admit that it’s not for you and start paddling or motorbike riding…..

Cycling scientists discover that water does, in fact, quench thirst!

Trying really hard to get your Argus seeding up – but still find yourself down in S group? Try training on some long, fast rides without bonking. See above for tips on how to achieve that.
Are your glasses misting up on those early morning winter rides? Simply hold your glasses closely over the heat of your riding light and - hey presto – watch the fog burn away!
Are you crashing on those early morning dark rides? Try not to de-fog your glasses whilst attempting the single track….over the roots…just after it’s been raining.
Do you get anxious when you're speeding down the single track and some racing snake powers in behind you and starts yelling “track track!”? Simply half turn your head and yell “Fu(k off!” as loud as you can. Otherwise you can throw one of your bottles at him. Or change your light setting to strobe; unclip your front light; and quickly point it over your shoulder…. Listen for the yell and breaking of branches behind you….
Are those size 8 MTB shoes that you picked up in a shopping frenzy at the Argus expo still cramping your feet? It’s probably time to admit that they’re actually too small. Put them on the hub for 40% their value and go and buy a size 9.
So you want to upgrade your bike – and that means selling your current bike on the hub? Be sure to put every single detail about your bike onto the spec. Because you know that you're going to answer the following questions:

When did you buy the bike? Do you have the warranty? How many Km’s has the frame done? Have you ever dropped a bead of sweat on the top tube? Are the tyres new? When last was it serviced? Who serviced it? Has it ever done a multi-stage race? How much do the pedals weigh? Do you have new cleats to go with those pedals? Do you have a spare chain that comes with the bike? Would you sell just the frame and groupset – not the wheels? What is the cluster spec? Does the bar-tape need to be replaced? Are the bottle cages carbon? Has a spoke ever been broken? What lube have you been using on the bike? Do you have a good looking sister? Is she available? What time did you do on this bike at your last Argus? I wear red tops – will it go with this bike? Etc etc etc….