Are we that obvious?

So I picked up a small book at the airport the other day. It was the title that grabbed my attention: The racists guide to The People of South Africa (Simon Kilpatrick - R100). In a nutshell, it takes the stereotypes within our South African society and really mines down into the behaviours and characteristics of various ethnic groups.


No one is spared - which is quite a relief in itself. But I couldn't hold back my laughter when the author started getting into detail about Whites.... Here the author speaks about Whites and how they like being the boss of a large company, and inevitably what happens to them (Whites) when they are unable to become the boss. I swear that he's been interviewing some of the Smooth Knobblies:


(Extract recognising the work of Simon Kilpatrick)
"But the favourite alternative pursuits of Whites-who'll-never-be-the-boss are endurance sports such as running, cycling, and canoeing. Each weekend South Africa's roads and rivers are full of ambitious Whites trying to be the best cyclists, runners, and canoeists they can be. The Whites become totally obsessed with their endurance sports. Besides practising everyday and competing in races on the weekends, their obsession will manifest in the following ways:

  1. The Whites will subscribe to running, cycling and/or kayaking magazines where they'll read about successful athletes and wish they could be them.
  2. The Whites will surf the internet for hours on end in search of shiny new lightweight wickable breathable highly flammable performance-enhancing sports gear.
  3. The Whites will buy ludicrously expensive nutritional supplements and energy gels at pharmacies, health shops, and supermarkets.
  4. The Whites will talk about their endurance sport with other White work colleagues and friends, often deliberating what the foulest tasting gel is, for example. And on casual Fridays they'll wear T-shirts acquired at their favourite endurance event.
  5. The Whites will religiously watch major international endurance events on TV, including the Tour de France, the Boston Marathon and the World Canoeing Championship. Secretly they will all dream of some day travelling to one of these events as a spectator or, if they are really ambitious, as a competitor. (Eds note: also note the obsession with the Cape Epic, Xterra, and Ironman events as well)

The reason why Whites like these pursuits so much is that they get to pit themselves against other Whites and gauge their self worth by comparing times and speeds. And because Whites have so much pent up ambition they take it all very seriously...and the races are even worse - skirmishes often break out on the road even though the two guys who're fighting are only competing for 4,431st position. Because it takes too much effort to punch or kick someone while trying to keep your bicycle upright, the skirmishes are usually verbal, but that doesn't make them any less vicious. Some of the things Whites say to each other on their bicycles will leave you wondering if there's any love left in the world.
White's favourite endurance races in South Africa are:


Some particularly serious Whites will actually rearrange their whole lives to coincide with their training regime and participation in these races. The shocking thing though is that despite having the same bike as Lance Armstrong and a Polar Heart rate monitor and all the other high performance gadgets that money can buy (Ed's note - Moose, I think he was talking to you here about the gadgets), and being as competitive as humanely possible, its not uncommon to see a 50-year-old Black man wearing a three piece siut and leather shoes cycle past the Whites on the way to his buddy's house on his antique fixed gear bicycle (Ed's note: this is a common sight on the road from Sun Valley to Noordhoek, towards Chapmans Peak).

"One of the main benefits of redirecting one's ambition to endurance sport like cycling is that at dinner parties, when they're asked about how work is going, the Whites don't have to reply with a truthful statement like: "Oh its awful! But only because I'm somebody who sold my soul to the corporate machine just to pay the bills and I have no opportunity to become the boss, so I've lost all my ambition for my work." (Ed's note: Twakkie/Billy - not sure if that one was for you guys.) Despite its honesty, a statement like this will be frowned upon by other Whites, thereby jeopardizing your chance of ever being invited back for dinner.  But if the White has taken up an alternative pursuit, he gets to answer with something like: "How's work? Oh its pretty relaxed actually. I recently made a lifestyle choice. I decided to become someone who works to live, not someone who lives to work. That's how they do it in Australia. So I just do my time at work and now I've dedicated my life to cycling. So far I've completed three races and in each one I've increased my average speed by one kilometre per hour while keeping my heart rate at an average of 155 bpm. I recently switched energy gels which seems to be making a considerable difference to my peak performance and allows me to boost my VO2 max levels to unprecedented heights. It's all about working out what works for you. I'm doing my first Argus this weekend and I'm really amped to break three hours (Ed's note - actually, lets NOT go there!). So I'm training super hard for that right now." Being able to provide an answer such as this allows the White to feel terrific about himself while simultaneously maintaining his dignity in the presence of other Whites.
Non-Whites listening to a White go on about his exercise regime are likely to detect an element of smugness in the White's demeanour. Most other Whites don't see it this way, though, and will encourage the exercising White to feel really, really good about himself." (end of extract)

Wow! Did this guy just knock our whole "lifestyle choice" over or what? Spot on! I think its brilliant and really sums us Whites up pretty well. Its so important to laugh at yourself. Get the book if you need a good chuckle. (Another notable part to read is a Black's reaction to animals - especially a White man's dog. And snakes. Piss funny.)

So see you all tomorrow for our normal 05:30am ride from town...the same arrangement as the last 4 years !