So I chatted to a snooty sort of chap who had just returned from his "time in the UK". Yep - you know them: finished varsity here ten years ago and then bolted for Heathrow before anyone could shout "sorry it's an AA/EE/BEE opportunity!"
But they're coming back. With wives and kids and grand expectations of earning big loot back home. Well good luck and we're glad you're back! Seriously - we need all the good people we can get (although I'll bet you a Pinarello Dogma that NOT ONE of these prodigals will work for the government....mind you, quite a few of the Smooth Knobblies were, in fact, Public Servants! For years! But I guess its a bit like when that 26er die-hard rides that dual-sus 29er for the first time...you see the light).
But I digress. So I'm chatting to one of these freshly returned prodigal types. Good car. Nice house in the Southern Suburbs. Great job opportunity here - its all good! And we're rambling on about cycling and races and inevitably we get to Grandmommy Argus. "Well all I can say is that they would never allow a race like the Argus in the UK", he says. I'm puzzled and ask for reasons. "Apart from the logistics, the UK society would never run an event that could result in death", he explains. I suppose it must be difficult for a society that once prided themselves on their "Bulldog Tenacity" to see itself morph into a mob of cheeky, hooded, and undisciplined puppies who have the run of the roost....well, they let it happen! Anyway, we start bouncing around a few completely unresearched yet near convincing evidence that, in fact, each Argus does have an accepted mortality rate. Heart attacks on Suikerbossie; the heat that year they when they went over Ou Kaaps; the crashes of Hurricane 09.... and suddenly the very family-orientated Argus starts sounding like Kevin Evans' collarbone-crushing Epic descent....!
But to be fair - people do die each year on the Argus. Sure, statistically its low and far more people get knocked off before the Argus (ever notice how the Argus newspaper headlines the story with "....and he was busy training for the Argus Cycle Tour when a taxi swerved and...")? So I predict that in about 5 years time we will start having to go for pre-Argus medical checks. I reckon that if you haven't done a seeding race or two in that year, then you will be requested to go to a health professional who will check you and certify that you're not going to pull the pin on the race because of a bad heart or whatever. I can't say its a bad idea. It won't stop cyclists dying (coz Death don't roll like that, Motherfu(ker!) but it might weed out some truly unfit characters (although if age is factored into the assessment then the Cycle Tour may risk losing the 277 Fish Hoek cyclists aged over 85!)
So that's why I'm going to become a Sangoma. No disrespect to the African Culture - but I reckon it might be easier if I head into the wilderness with fellow Sangoma trainees (there will be a Zulu name for that - but I don't know what it is) and find my ancient ancestors and practise African Healthcare than 7 years at UCT with a years' National Service in Blikkiesfontein after graduation. I don't want to become a full blown Senior Sangoma (I guess that's like becoming a neurosurgeon in the Western Medical Field - although singing at Parliament doesn't frighten me that much. I like a good audience just like the next man!) but I guess I just want to be at a level where your medical aid will recognise me as a bona fide Sangoma so that you can claim back on your Pre Argus Health Check at my medical offices in Fresnaye or Camps Bay or whoever needs an "African partner" to up their BEE Certificate. Because Sangomas are recognised as Health Practitioners nowadays. And that means everyone gets better career opportunities! (What's good for the goose, my china's....) And I'll mark up my rates 500% on the Discovery rate because it looks like Medical Aids don't know what 100% is! (Why do they rather not say "we'll cover 40% of the costs" instead of "we cover up to 300% of the costs"? Is this just me? Are their actuaries so confused that they need to calculate out of an infinite percentile range rather than just sticking to the tried and tested 100% being the final number? Probably calculated by a group of chaps who worked in the UK Medical Industry for ten years before they returned home to SA.....)
I digress (again!!). So when my training is complete and I've asked Leon Schuster for his Mister Bones outfit, I'm going to erect (yes, erect!) a tent on the Promenade along Sea Point. This will be a week before the Argus and I will snare all the Joburg riders as they turn out in their white bibs for their final rides before the Argus. And I also know a Malawian dude who can fix bikes - so I can cobble his gazebo next to mine! While I'm checking their health, Steven can check their bikes. Maybe I throw a cash bar into the other corner of the tent with some bean bags and Goldfish playing in the background for the foreign riders. And what about my special "Dead Three" bone bracelets to purchase? Any gimmick will do! (Look - if that Chop with the balance bracelet got away with it - I reckon I could snare a few unsuspecting people that my Bone Bracelets release latent testosterone into their bloodstream when their heart rate peaks at 95%....its true. Nguni bone has that effect....Sangoma 101, Boet.)
Let Sangoma Rezelamane issue you with your pre-Argus medical check certificate....yebo yes!
Anyone know how to apply for one of those mobile bank card machines?
